The Taxonomy of the Lower Reaches of the Discordian Dimensions
by Counterfeit Myself
Summary: As Discord tries to further integrate into pony society, he decides in typical Discord fashion to try and one up everyone by studying the creatures in his dimension.Will he ever teach Twilight anything of use or just continue to be arrogant about his intelligence? Will he ever come to terms with how he feels about Fluttershy? Will he ever stop being a pain in the butt?
1. Chapter 1

Dear Fluttershy,

How's me ol' matey?

I hope that rabbit of yours isn't giving you too much of a hard time-after all, that's my job. Don't let him push you around. If salad is the only thing in the house then he can live for _ten whole minutes_ without strawberries, believe it or not.

I've been thinking about what you said: "Discord, Princess Celestia must have wanted us to reform you for a reason, so I'm sure there is something you can do to contribute to the Friendship cause. You know a lot and you are incredibly handsome and powerful, and know everything, so therefore we are indebted to..."

Okay, you got me. You didn't quite say it like that...but! I do agree that I have something to contribute. One day while dusting my book cases, I was looking out onto my garden and I saw a wobbling, jelly-like creature with seventeen eyes and ten heads fly past, and it got me thinking...hardly anyone knows anything about the dimension I live in. This may be because it's quite easy to get lost in if you don't go with me as a guide, and I think some people who wonder in might not be able to find their way back out again. Who knows? It could be useful to study the physics and magic contained within the place. I'll even do a review of the fauna- I know you'd like to know more about the beasts that inhabit my home. Though it wouldn't _actually_ be a taxonomic review, because no one has written about them before. I could describe the colourful scales of the Argy Bargy and the variety of colour phases it comes in. Ooh, I may even give them binomials. Or even trinomials or polynomials; Why does chaos have to follow ridiculous rules, after all? This isn't _your_ dimension, after all.

It won't purely be taxonomy of course- I'd also write about the ecology and behaviour of the animals here. I'm pretty sure the swots haven't touched that subject with a ten foot barge pole yet, but it's a fascinating subject.

For instance, did you know that the Snarflebeast feeds entirely on Fractal Fleas? Of course that means that when the Snarflebeast sires the next generation it's different EVERY time, and this is entirely down to their diet. Sometimes their offspring emerge from the egg pouch looking so long that they stretch into the neighbouring dimension. Other times they're so short they can't even see over a Shetland. They can still reproduce without the Fractal Fleas, but the gene pool gets watered down and the population suffers. This is part of the reason chaos is soooo important, as I'm sure you know. Without variety things just fizzle out. Look at what happened to the Griffon kingdom and their obsession with gold-I'm willing to bet there was so much inbreeding in that place at one point that you couldn't differentiate owls from eagles anymore. Same with dragons. Why do you think there are so few dragons? That, and in the past society wasn't that welcoming about interspecies relationships.

You know what's weird about that? All the chimerical beasts in that live in Equestria have a...shall we say...colourful history when it comes to ancestory. Heck, I'll wager even some ponies do. Do you ever wonder about Pinkie Pie? I mean, what is up with _that_? So yeah, at one point hypocrisy took over, I guess. Perhaps you ponies have the right idea when it comes to friendship-it breaks down barriers.

Hmm...that's an interesting theory all on its own- is chaos an integral part of friendship magic? If you have no variety in life you are less open to meeting new people and thus expanding the richness of the gene pool in society. Chaos and bigotry never were going to be excellent bedfellows, after all. I could write an entirely different paper on the subject. Perhaps that one should go on the back burner because of this amazing project I have coming up, but it's food for thought.

So, what do you think of my idea? Actually, don't answer that because I already know the answer- you love animals and therefore you love my idea! I'm thinking of calling my paper _A Taxonomy of the Lower Reaches of the Discordian Dimensions_. Rather grand, eh? It will make the ponies with doctorates quiver in their horse shoes! A piece of paper doesn't make you smart, anyway. How many of them have ever been beyond the lab? You can't stare down the eyepiece of a microscope your entire life. You have the right idea, Flutters. Go out and explore things! Poke things with sticks! Make new animal friends! Write down what you know! I bet you know more than those ponies with 12 doctorates or whatever. After all, how many of them can say they're _best friends_ with a chaos lord? A missed study opportunity there, I can tell you! I bet they are grinding their teeth in envy at your position.

Anyway, I'm going to go speak to Twilight, and then start the study and prepare the manuscript for publication. I'm sure Miss Egghead would be thrilled about my proposition. She always wants to expand her knowledge, right? And who better to teach her than _moi_. Celestia can't teach that bookworm _everything_. In fact, I think I'll go today.

I will try to remember to use the door this time.

Huggles and schtuff!

Discord. x

P.S. Please find enclosed an example of a species sheet for one of the organisms from my dimension. Do you think I should describe its orbital lenses as "burning with the fire of a thousand suns" or just "red?"


	2. I'm smarter than you

Twilight sighed as she finished the book she had been reading for hours. It was an authoritative text on the history of the Dragon Empire. The first few chapters had been interesting but after that the book had become incredibly dry reading.

She still missed the coziness of the Golden Oaks library. Sometimes the castle could feel drafty, especially late at night. She only had the candelabra to light her way in the confines of the castle library. After the pool of light there was only darkness and it sometimes made her feel lonely.

She looked at her clock. It was late- around 3am. She decided she would check on Spike and then go to bed. She picked up the candle, preparing to walk down the drafty hallway to Spike's room when all of a sudden she felt warm. The scenery changed before her eyes- cold greys turning to warm wood and leather tomes. She was back at Golden Oaks. A wave of emotion overcame her, and she was suddenly close to tears when all of a sudden she realized who could be conjuring up the illusion.

"I...wha...Discord!"

"Oh, poo. Am I really getting that predictable?" said a disembodied yet extremely familiar voice.

"Unless I've accidentally stumbled on a time travelling spell, I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can conjure up facsimilies of the past."

Discord's eyes hung in the air before her, and his cheshire cat grin materialized. "Gotta work on my routine and make it less of a routine," he said.

"What are you doing here so late?"

Twilight expected him to launch into his usual spiel about how he was "just dropping in to see an old friend. And couldn't he just show up to say hi? It's not like I wanted anything...!" So she was surprised when he materialized the rest of his body and slammed a book down in front of her right away.

"I have an amazing idea!" he exclaimed, in a tone of voice an overexcited teenage girl might use at a pop concert.

"Oh?" said Twilight, a chill going down her spine.

At that moment, a loud burp emanated from Spike's bedroom. The scene changed back from the Golden Oak's library to that of the castle and Twilight and Discord ran towards the sound.

Spike sat up groggily.

"I hate it when I get one of those while sleeping," he said, pointing to the scroll and looking quite sick.

Twilight opened the letter:

 _Dearest Twilight Sparkle,_

 _I apologize for the late hour in which this letter is being sent, but Discord came to me earlier and discussed a wonderful idea. At first I was skeptical, until he mentioned bringing back one of my old mentors to help out with this, and I think this would be an absolutely fabulous learning opportunity for you_.

Twilight briefly wondered if Celestia had been on the apple cider again. She continued reading:

 _Therefore I think you should meet my old mentor. Normally this would be impossible, but thankfully Discord's chaos magic does indeed have its uses._

 _I'll leave it with you both to discuss._

 _Best Wishes,_

 _Princess Celestia._

Twilight tilted her head at the letter, as if the angle would nudge the words into making more sense.

"So what you do you think, Sparklepoo?" said Discord, shining his eagle talons on his coat.

"Celestia's old mentor?" she asked.

"Wow, not that sharp during the witching hour, are you?"

She internally fumed. Discord was like a monstrous child sometimes. She knew he was incredibly smart and a powerful magic wielder, but he also acted like a complete fool at times, so she didn't appreciate him insulting her intelligence.

Discord continued: "Twilight, who do you _think_ she's talking about? I thought you were supposed to be a nerd." He placed a badge on her mane that said "Not quite geek Enough" and smirked. "Guess I'll have to show you, then."

Discord unsheathed his lion claws and made a motion in the air that looked as if he was twisting open an invisible jar. Purple light poured out of the hole Discord had made in the ether as the tear became wider and wider. The light was blinding, but as the hole grew Twilight could just about make out the siloheutte of a pony.

Spike squeaked and took shelter behind Twilight's hind legs. Wind tore through the room and the pony stepped out onto the castle floor.

The portal closed behind him with a sound like water going down a plughole.

"Goodness! I will never get used to that!" said Starswirl.

Twilight's mouth hung open. Discord put his arm around her and his paw on her lower jaw and pushed it shut with an upwards motion.

"Whoa..." said Spike.

Twilight was babbling as if she was stuck on a loop. "Sta...sta...sta..."

"Stammer?" offered Discord.

"It's..it's an honour! But...how?"

Starswirl seemed to still be trying to get his bearings. He adjusted his hat.

"How? Who? What? Well, it's all down to Discord here. He can bend spacetime so I'm back for now. Of course I don't exist in the present, but let's not get into the technicalities of that."

"Time travel is dangerous!"

"Discord knows what he's doing. It's complicated magic but he's done it often enough."

Discord grinned arrogantly at Twilight, licked his paw and smoothed back his mane.

"Yes, Twilight, we all remember what happened when you tried to mess with time, don't we? Kiddies shouldn't mess with grown up magic. They might fall down and go boom."

"Ah," said Starswirl. "He's still a jerk, then."

Twilight nodded, then quickly began to bounce up and down in excitement. "Oh my goodness! I have so much to ask you! What's the past like? What did you teach Princess Celestia and Luna? How do you know Discord? Oh my gods, I think I'm going to start hyperventilating!"

"I take it back, you _are_ a colossal nerd," snorted Discord.

Starswirl laughed. "One thing at a time. I see Celestia was right about you being a keen student."

"Yes, Sparklepoo, one thing at a time," said Discord. "We're here to discuss my brilliant idea, remember?"

"You haven't even told me what your 'brilliant' idea is yet."

"Oh, it's a corker," said Discord. "Since I'm learning about this friendship thing I'm going to study and document every single creature in my pocket dimension and publish the definitive monograph."

"All of them? And what that this have to do with friendship?"

"It would expand your knowledge! Isn't that what friends do for each other? Learn from each other?"

Twilight stroked her chin with her hoof. It _would_ be nice to learn about something beyond their own dimension. Still, this was Discord. Though she believed that he genuinely wanted to improve and become a better person, he was still a huge pain in the butt.

"So Starswirl is here to help us with this?"

"That I am."

"And it could result in a book!" said Discord excitedly. "You like books, don't you?" He held up an example copy of the "finished" manuscript, complete with a black and white author photo of himself sporting star shaped sunglasses on the back.

"Well...I suppose he could do some field work with Fluttershy."

"Yes, I could," said Discord a little too quickly.

Suddenly Twilight realized with horror what was going on. "Um...Sir..." she said.

"Call me Starswirl, Princess."

"Oh..um. Call me Twilight," she countered. "Can we talk over here in the corner? Away from prying ears!" she said over her shoulder to Discord who slunk reluctantly back into the shadows.

"Si...Starswirl. I have reason to believe that one of the reasons Discord may be doing this is to impress one of my friends."

"Oh, the Element of Kindness? Makes sense, he always did go for the pretty ones."

Twilight squirmed. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear stories about what Discord would "go for."

She tried to keep her voice down. "Is this...really a good idea? He acted nuts the last time he tried to prove himself to her."

"Let me handle it," said Starswirl. "Whatever his motives we really do need this project. If we can understand the creatures in the dimension we may be able to use the magic contained within against threats to our way of life. Who knows when another Tirek or Sombra might show up?"

"I trust your judgement," she said.

"You've only just met me!" he grinned. "But I do mean what I said about handling Discord. I know he acts like a hummingbird on speed. Always did- even back in his youth when I knew him."

"You knew him in his youth?"

"Oh, yes. When he was a colt. Blasted kid wouldn't keep still. It was like he had ants in his pants."

Twilight opened her mouth to point out that he still didn't really keep still and didn't wear any pants, but quickly shut it again. Discord had always insisted to her that he was never "born" and had always existed. Still, this was Discord. She was sure if he wrote his own biography it would be riddled with inaccuracies.

"Excuse me," interjected Discord. He did not like that they were talking about him as if he wasn't there. He never liked it when people acted like he wasn't there.

"Ah, yes," said Starswirl, turning back to Discord.

"I think we've worked out what we're going to do with your project."

"Is that so Old Man?"

"You're calling me 'Old Man'? You're way older than I am now."

Discord grinned. He enjoyed bantering with Starswirl.

"Okay, huddle time," said Starswirl. "Here's what we're gonna do..."

* * *

Discord began the manuscript the following evening. He had bragged to Twilight that he was sure he could get it done in a few weeks, but he was already struggling. He wasn't used to sitting still and writing things out at a desk. Everything else seemed vastly more interesting, including what was in the fridge. He had made nineteen cups of tea and 5 banana and chorizo sandwiches since he had started.

He remembered Starswirl once referred to him as "brilliant but lazy."

"I'll show you lazy," he growled. No doubt Twilight was currently fangirling over everything Starswirl had to say right now while he did all the heavy lifting and work.

He huddled over his desk, continuing to write out descriptions:

 **Many Orbed Tentacle Beast** _(Orbisii plunderus)_

 _A large suckered beast. Generally eighteen eyes but numbers can vary. Has clawed mandibles for scooping up flish out of the Pool of Entropy. Males are smaller than females. Females build nests out of the bones of their enemies. Chicks are very fluffy when first hatched._

He shifted in his chair and tilted his head until a crick in his long neck popped.

 **Lesser spotted Lightning Eel** _(Angilla fulgetrum shockingtunus)_

 _Creature made entirely of lightning. Feeds on the electrocutions of other beings._

This was boring. He fidgeted and glanced over towards his bedroom door. He was tired, but he didn't want to go to bed just yet. Especially not the way he was feeling. Sometimes that bed felt so cold.

 _Dammit. Can't be thinking about this now._

He rested his head on his lion paw.

It had been a while since he'd had the soft, warm body of a mare next to him, and even then those had been one night stands with ponies with enough kink in them to find him attractive. He suspected he was only there to scratch an itch for them they were curious about.

There had only been one pony who had ever loved him, and that had ended a thousand years ago when she encased him in stone.

Though he was on vastly better terms with her now, he wasn't sure he could ever forgive her for that, and he was also sure there were many things he had done she would never forgive him for. At least he hadn't fallen for her younger sister. Now _she_ could do wrath.

He sighed, and put quill to parchment again.

After doodling on the side of the sheet for a while, he wrote:

 **Fluttershy: Pegasus** ( _Equus pegasii_ ):

 _Best friend. Most beautiful, caring creature in Equestria. Stellar chick. Out of my league._

He let the quill drop out of his claw.

He was almost postive Fluttershy had no such itch when it came to him. Unfortunately, that didn't stop him wishing she did. Sometimes when she smiled at him, she somehow managed to look foxy and innocent at the same time and it tugged at his chest and made his head swim. Sometimes he wondered how different he was from the animals that seemed to melt and grow calm before her when she sang to them or fed them.

"Not fair," he muttered out loud.

"What's not fair?" said Starswirl.

Discord jumped a mile.

"What? You pop in unannounced all the time!"

"Okay, what are you doing here? I know I gave you that teleportation spell so you could get here unharmed but it's ridiculously late and I was about to go to bed."

"Discord, I'm here because I forgot to tell you. You need to keep completely focused on this."

"What do you think I'm doing up so late, Old Man?"

"I'm not talking about writing your manuscript. I'm talking about what you're like when you see a pretty girl...and you're working with six of them."

"Geeze! What are you even talking about? I'd never..."

"Oh, of course not! I don't mean that. I'm talking about how distracted you can get."

"I'm not in the least bit distracted when it comes to girls."

"You flirt with Twilight."

"That's because I know it [i]annoys[/i] her."

"Well, I can believe that. After all, you're the type who wouldn't announce it out loud if you [i]were[/i] pursuing someone."

"Pursuing?! What is that about? You make me sound like a shark. And anyway, Twilight and I are only chums. It's just so tempting winding her up."

"I believe you on that score. That isn't quite what I meant. I'm here to talk about Fluttershy."

Discord's ears pricked up with obvious interest before he could stop himself.

Starswirl gave him a knowing look. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. But there's a more worrying aspect to what I'm trying to discuss with you."

He dragged a chair over and sat facing Discord.

"Since this study of your dimension is a work in progress, and it involves working with disharmonious magic it would be a good idea to distance yourself from those who work with harmonious magic."

"You want me to abandon my friends?"

"Of course not! I'm simply asking you to put some controls in place. Seeing friends is fine, but if you get too heavily emotionally involved with one of them who knows where your concentration will go."

Discord snorted. "You make it sound as if I'm some kind of crack-addled hummingbird."

Starswirl said nothing for a beat, then continued: "I remember what you were like with Celestia. She was all you could talk about and then you rocketed off on whatever high you were on and her feelings were left in the dust, because it didn't matter as long as [i]you[/i] felt good, didn't it? Relationships distract you. They also make your chaos far more unwieldy than usual. That little episode at the gala just confirmed it for me. Heck, that wasn't even a relationship thing and you tore a rift in the space-time continuum."

"How do you know about that?"

"Twilight."

"She's such a [i]big mouth[/i]," Discord snarled, folding his arms.

"You cannot allow yourself to get distracted. This project is important and we need it."

Discord managed to discreetly push the sheet he had been writing on under the other papers, out of sight.

"Please remember that, Discord."

"You have nothing to worry about. She isn't even interested in me."

Starswirl noted with concern the disappointment in Discord's voice.

"Be that as it may, you cannot get involved with any of the Elements".

"Like that's gonna happen."

"Don't think I can't sympathize. The life of those who devote themselves to magic can be very lonely. I think that's why Celestia pushed for this friendship thing so hard with Twilight. Otherwise she would have gotten another obsessed academic who ended up marrying books instead of spending time with other ponies."

"So how are you and Mrs. Leatherbound Tome getting along? Any kids yet?"

"Very funny."

"Do you ask her if she likes your wizard hat and robe?"

Starswirl rolled his eyes at Discord's usual bitter sarcasm. "Look, just remember to not get involved with Fluttershy."

"I heard you the first ten times."

"Right, I'm off. Celestia wants to catch up on things. I suspect it involves a lot of cake." He vanished.

Discord sat in silence surrounded by parchment. It was going to be a long night.

No, not fair at all.


End file.
